Kingdom Idiots: REWRITTEN!
by FunnyBunnyWarrior
Summary: A rewrite of the older Kingdom Idiots. I can guarantee that this is the only parody you will find that has heartless, twu wuv, therapists, Kingdom Hearts fangirls, violence, uncivilized language and bananas. Yes, bananas. Why would you NOT read it?


This is a rewrite of the older story Kingdom Idiots, a parody of that lovely and venerable game Kingdom Hearts. Dare I say more?

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

XXXX

Sora's loves could be put into two categories: sharp, silver things that could unlock inconvenient locks and squishy stuff that died. One could think this would make things simpler. Obviously his world was divided into the keyblade and everything that was soft, squishy and unwilling to die. Yes, yes, the worlds were filled with millions on millions of unique individuals. But every one of them could be categorized as follows: the dead or the about to be dead. Just look at Organization XIII for proof. After Sora clobbered them all with his first love they renamed themselves the Organization of the Extra-squishies, stopped wearing black, relocated to Wussland and got an education.

All of this was what a Hero was meant to do, after all! But it was because of this that Kairi confused him. She had a totally different role from Sora: she was the Love Interest. Love Interests, as a rule, could not be killed. They could be put into deadly peril, of course. Just ask any beautiful lady who has ever hung over a snake pit while a man cackles evilly and twirls his mustache and her true love saves her by swinging in at the last but most opportune moment. She'll tell this: We're freaking invulnerable.

Things that confused Sora, he killed. But he couldn't kill Kairi because she was the Love Interest. Because she was the Love Interest she confused him. Because she confused him he—you see, there was a terrible logical loop there.

So Sora ignored her. That seemed to be the best possible thing. Except she was a Love Interests and Love Interests are not easily ignored.

Every time he tried to do anything she padded along behind him. If he went left, she went left and he right, she right, he wrong, she wrong, he up, she up.

A typical conversation went like this.

"Am I pretty?" She'd ask.

"…"

"Do you love me?"

"…"

"Are you ignoring me?"

"… … …"

"Should I dye my hare?"

"… … … …"

"I would go ahead and dye him pink but I'm scared I'll poison him!"

"… … … …"

"Do you like bunnies?"

"… … … … …"

"When are we getting married?"

"… … … … … …"

"What ring are you getting me? Do you like silver? Gold?"

"… … … … … … …"

"Is Selphie cuter than me?"

"… … … … … … … …"

"Should I go ahead and drown myself?"

"…. …. … … … …. …. …."

Sora could have built a fort with all of those ellipses.

Kairi once asked Sora:

"What do you think of Riku's butt?"

"… ... … !!!! …!!!!!!!!!!!! ------ not , woman!"

Sora's last line actually translates to "What are you talking about?! Oh my god, I'm straight as an arrow not crooked, woman."

One day she went too far. She asked a question nobody should ever ask Sora:

"Did you know that you had a girl's name?"

He spun around sharply. "Wha?"

"I mean, it's so girly. You and Riku both have girly names…" she said, thoughtfully distant.

Sora had no choice. He shook his head, unfastened his keyblade and sighed. Then he was knocked over by a flying rock.

Riku came running, punting a rock with his foot. "WOOT! Rock kickin'! It's the single manliest sport since World of Warcraft!"

"Oh my god!" Sora picked himself off of the ground. "Does it have lots of blood, pain, tears and no guarantee of winning?"

"Yeah!"

"Awesome, dude!"

"Can I beat you with this rock?" Sora said.

"Sure, buddy! So long as we're being manly and acting like we don't secretly love each other!"

"Yeah!" Sora said. "And we should keep ignoring the girl!"

So with great cheese eating grins, they preceded to kick rocks about and at each other in the proud tradition of rock kickers everywhere.

Love Interests, by rule, had to avoid anything physical at all costs so poor Kairi could not join in the rock kicking games.

"Hey, guys! Remember all of those fun times we shared!" She said.

"Ah, yeah," Sora said. "Like when you're heart attached itself to mine like a parasite or when I went through blood and heartless to get you to only find you had been kidnapped because you're a Princess of Heart, whatever the hell that means. Yeah, fun times!"

Riku chimed in. "Or that time I wore that black trench coat and threatened to kill you! Ha ha! I was just kidding, buddy. I always loved you! Even when I wore black!"

"Aw, love you too, buddy!" Sora said.

"And I love you, Sora!" Kairi screamed.

Crickets chirped.

"Um, uh, ah, yeah" Sora said. He stared at his toes. They were still his toes. He stared at the sky. It did nothing. He scratched his head. His scalp felt better.

Uncomfortable moments like these are what I like to call an awkward turtle; awkward because it's awkward and a turtle because, well, have you ever looked at a turtle? Oh my god. They peer out at you from under these huge shells and walk on short stubby legs and are the most awkward animals alive.

"More rock kicking?" Sora suggested.

"Yeah!" Riku said.

"Don't you care about me?" She said tearfully.

"Oh…umm…not you personally…I mean, I like your hair. And your eyes. They're blue. I like your shoes too. But, ah, you are…well, I don't like you. Can I have your shoes?" Poor Sora did not realize what hell he had set loose.

Kairi stared at him for a moment. She then looked at Riku. He cared for her. He _had _to.

"Riku…," She began nervously.

"I'm busy, woman!" He said as he kicked around a rock. Sora, deciding that rock-kicking was more interesting than a girl, joined Riku.

Kairi let a few tears slip down her cheek before screaming phrases such as: "Oh, so you don't care about me? That's fine. I'll just tell my therapist about this, creeps.

Unfortunately for Kairi the two boys were too busy in their game of kicking a rock around to really care. They probably wouldn't have cared even if they had been listening. They probably would not even care if she had threatened their grandmothers. They just cared that little. She stomped off huffily. Not that the two busy boys really cared.

XXXX

There were two people in an office; one was small and the other as huge. And there's nothing wrong with that.

The small one wore a doctor's coat that was much too big for him and so it flopped at the sleeves. The other one was grossly obese. That's not strange at all.

One was a therapist and the other his bodyguard. That's perfectly normal. Therapy is a dangerous profession.

They were heartless. The small one was a shadow heartless and the other was a large body.

Something isn't right here.

The smallest one was Dr. Dumwitten and the large one was Fred Omega. Fred was gigantic even by large body standards and, he was dumb even by a rock's standard. But he was a good bodyguard.

Dr. Dumwitten had actually had gone to college but failed his degree. Fred didn't even know what a college was. His closest idea about college was that it was spelled collage and had lots of pretty pictures.

The room dwarfed everyone in it, especially Dumwitten, with its circular walls and huge potted plants. Behind them was a huge circular window that let the light shine through.

Dumwittin was a notorious therapist. He had to change his name and residence over seven times. This was because, ignoring his claims of excellence, he was a crappy therapist. One of his better known aliases was Opee but ,as it would happen, some woman already had that name and sued him for all that he was worth, which was the grand total of one munny.

Dr. Dumb, as most, including himself, called him, had a special talent for blowing snot bubbles. It is not the sort of talent that would get him a job but it is certainly the sort of talent that made long, boring therapy sections go by faster, which was about three minutes in his book. He had once made the mistake of blowing snot bubbles during a session with an especially troubled Phantom Heartless client, whom as a child had been beaten with a fish.

He had managed to blow an exceptional snot bubble just as his client got to the part where he described how his mother gave him moldy cheese for supper, cried and reached for the tissues; until he noticed Dr. Dumb not paying attention, of course. He, not understanding the wonder of such a feat, had proceeded to kick Dumb's ass. Fred Omega was too busy ridding his nose of slimy invaders to save Dr. Dumb from his client. Needless to say, Dr. Dumb was none too happy about this.

There was a soft knock on the door that made Dr. Dumb jump in his chair from surprise. The neat, extra-large pile of papers on the desk in front of him had, unfortunately, been knocked a fraction of an inch in the process. He angrily tried to reach from his chair to the desk to fix this. His tiny hands worked clumsily with a massive ruler to make sure that his papers were straight.

"Well, what are you staring at, you dingbat? Answer the door!" He narrowed his eyes in frustration.

The Large Body nodded and hobbled over to the door. His fat made this a very difficult task but something about his tiny client's glare made him go faster.

He opened the door and before him stood a red-haired, blue-eyed girl. She couldn't have been more than fourteen years of age.

"It's a girl, boss." The body guard felt triumphant that he had been able to answer the door so quickly.

"I can see that, you noodle-brained, mold-growth! Ask for her name!" The itsy-bitsy heartless screamed.

"You're a heartless?" She asked fearfully. She prepared herself to run.

"You wouldn't say! I had no idea!" He saw Kairi's dubious look and continued, "No really! I didn't! I just had these damn antennas growing out of my head and a dark complexion! Gee, that can't have anything to do with being a heartless, can it? Hmm. Hmm. Let's think, shall we? Hmm. Hmm. No, can't possibly be a heartless."

"Really, Boss? What does that make me?"

"SHUT UP, YOU POOR EXCUSE FOR A LIFEFORM!"

The girl, by this point, looked as if she were about to run and with her, Dr. Dumwittin knew, would go her munny.

The tiniest heartless coughed and stood upright on his desk, so that he looked taller than he really was. "Tell me your name." To his ears his voice was deep and booming. To anyone else's ears his voice was a squeak.

"My-my name is Kairi." At first she stuttered but then her voice grew stronger, "And I HATE MY BOYFRIENDS!"


End file.
